Friday, November 22, 2013

Five on Friday!

 Join me in linking up with Christina, Natasha, Darci and April for Five on Friday! Here are five of my favorite things I am thankful for this week!

ONE.My Momma

I dont know where I'd be without her. Without her calming me down, telling me everything is going to be ok, even on the days when she tells me I'm being a dumbass. Her cards, her texts, her facebook posts. We are so much alike its scary, and were never close until I moved out of the house and had children of my own, but I am so thankful for the friendship we have gained since then. And what an amazing grandma she is too!

Two. My BFF, My life partner, Ami.
My Best friend in the whole world. She knows the good, the bad and the ugly. She's seen me at my highest and held me on the floor when I'm bawling my eyes out, at my lowest. She always knows by the tone of my voice when I need her or when something is wrong and she can tell me when I'm being completely absurd without me getting pissed. (Ok, maybe I get pissed but only because I know she's right.) She's the one I want to share my news with, the one who doesn't count when you tell me "Don't tell anyone". The one who keeps me calm and makes me laugh and the one who I know no matter what life throws my way, will never leave my side. 
Three. Lexus Marie
People say becoming a mother will change you. I never knew how true those words were until this little beauty came into my world. She makes me laugh, some days really pushes my nerves with her attitude but has the biggest heart of gold. She's a mini me of my mom, a true Grandpas girl and when she wants to be- my best snuggler. She's outspoken and such a fashionista. She is stubborn (ok she may get that from me!), strong willed and knows what she wants and goes after it. She is the best friend anyone could ask for and that shows by the amounts of texting and facetiming going on on her ipod all the time.

 Four. Brooklyn Mercedes
My redheaded mini me. Life wouldn't be complete without her in it. She's my sweet, sassy, little fireball. She's content laying at home in our pjs snuggling on the couch watching movies. She is an open book- you can read every emotion in her eyes. She has the biggest heart and cares more for everyone else than herself. I dont know where I'd be the last 6 months if it wasn't for hearing her say "momma I love you. Don't be sad." 
 Five.The AvettBrothers Magie & The Dandelion Album 
Best. Album. Ever. 
Go out and buy it now. 
Seth & Scott Avett literally seem to be tapped into my brain and know how to put it down on paper much better than I.  Its literally on repeat when doing things around the house, getting ready in the morning, in my headphones at work and the drive to and from.

Thursday, November 21, 2013

I couldn't have said it better myself

Throwback Thursday

Throwback Thursday! 
I love the poofy hair, the tights, the carpet and wallpaper. 
There is SOO much wrong about this picture, but yet I would give anything to be this age again. 
No worries, 
no stress, 
no wondering how to come up with money to pay bills or 
where the hell did I go wrong in life? 
Just being grandpas girl, 
ALWAYS by his side, 
most the time on his lap 
and loving my cousins like they were sisters. 

(Jaime & Angie (on grandmas lap), Alicia, Grandpa and the cute little girl in the blue dress is me!)

I really am excited for the holidays. Where all of us are back at grandma and grandpas spending the stress filled, anxiety ridden day together. Our family continues to grow since we've all had babies or brought other children into the family. Its cramped and chaotic and its absolutely my favorite time of the year. Maybe I can convince the other 3 girls to have a slumber party at grandma and grandpas like good old times?!

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

SO WHAT! Wednesday

Today I'm linking up with Shannon for SO WHAT! Wednesday! 

This week I'm saying SO WHAT if....

  • I'm dreading the upcoming cold temps & possible snow. I know its the end of November and it should be expected, but it could stay mid 60s like it has been all winter and I'd be happy.
  • My #1 Christmas wish list item is a vacuum and I'm surprisingly alright with that- even though I think vacuuming is the worst chore ever.
  • I haven't begun Christmas shopping, haven't made a Christmas list for the kids, haven't decorated or even attempted to drag out the decorations and I am dreading the whole Christmas thing period.
  • I took away the cats food so he can kill the mouse in our house. Even though it led to him eating a whole loaf of bread and said mouse is still running loose.
  • I cant cook unless its in a crockpot. 
  • I haven't watched SOA from last night. Apparently I missed a really good episode (everyone and their mom was texting me about it) and plan on watching it immediately once I get home. Its already downloaded. Not having live TV puts a damper on things. 
  • We haven't taken pictures for Christmas cards/gifts and I don't think its going to happen this year.

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

These are a few of my favorite things

I LOVE the idea of linking up with Jen and Elise for "These are a few of my favorite things". I never make a Christmas list for myself. When people ask what I want its always gift cards because that's just easiest! But here you go Santa!

Biddeford Heated Microplush and Shurpa Blanket from Target


Canon EF-S 18-200mm Standard Zoom Lense


Damask Square Toss Pillows from Target

Personalized Sterling Initial Ring


Breaking Bad Complete Series DVD Collection

Monday, November 18, 2013

Sunday Social

I did my Sunday Social yesterday, however technology is not my friend lately and it didn't post! So Monday is my new Sunday... If only I could stay home and be lazy again... A girl can dream right?!

This Weeks Questions:
1. Name 4 jobs you’ve had in your life. Waitress at Billys Hamburgers, Secretary at Teton Outpatient Services, Owner/Secretary/Supervisor of the Breeder Dept at Lambriar Inc, and Purchasing Manager at Lambert Vet Supply. (Not to include maid, chef, mom, etc. at home)

2. Name 4 movies you would watch over and over.

 Drop Dead Fred
 PS I Love you
When a Man Loves a Woman

3. Name 4 places you have lived. Jackson Hole, WY., Prescott, AZ, Belleville, KS, Mahaska, KS
4. Name 4 of your favorite foods. My moms Chicken Fettuchine, Chili (Complete with LOTS of crackers) Cantaloupe, Reese's Puffs.
5. Name 4 things you always carry with you. My cell phone, wallet, chapstick and keys.
6. Name 4 places you have been on vacation. Disney World, Hawaii, Cozumel Mexico and The Grand Cayman Islands.

Thursday, November 14, 2013

Embrace the Camera

For years I have been secretly stalking/reading Emily at The Anderson Crew 's blog. To be a momma to 6 has to take a lot of patience and strength and wine and she does it all with grace and an absolutely beautiful smile. I mean really, I'm envious of her smile! Anyways, she encourages you to "embrace the camera"- get in the pictures, have proof that you were actually part of your kids' lives! As an avid scrapbooker I LOVE this idea. I always make sure at holidays that I ask someone to snap pictures with my camera, or at least get one family picture. But my idea of "embracing the camera" last night, wasn't exactly happy go lucky.

As mothers, especially moms to little girls, we all know that once they hit the teenage years, its going to be lots of attitude and drama and crying and screaming and drama and attitude and drama. I mean, we ALLL were dramatic and girly right? Its a girl thing. I never once expected it would start so early. It isn't supposed to start until they turn 13 and are in high school RIGHT?! Never, did I think I would hear out of the mouth of my 8, EIGHT, as in NOT EVEN a teen yet, "I hate you". <insert mom tears immediately>

Homework is something we apparently are needing some work on- Social Studies in particular. And last night she brought home study guides and her SS book and notebooks full of notes and we had to do just that, study for her test she had today. When she continued to mess around and talk and not focus on her homework, I told her to sit down, get her study guide done and we would review it. And that's when she said the 3 words no mother ever wants to hear. The heartbreaking, what am I doing wrong as a parent sentence. "I hate you" as she stomped back to the table and started pouting. The whiney "but its sooooo hard" and "I don'ttt get itttt." I really don't even know how I comprehended what she was saying as tears filled my eyes. All I could say was "you just told me you hated me." It then became I'm the meanest mom in the world and life isn't fair and I just don't understand. Lots of tears between us both and I walked away and called my mom. Apologizing over and over for being so mean in high school. For saying those words out of anger when I never really meant them and how I now know how hurtful and painful it is to hear your daughter say that to you. She just laughed and told me how it was ok and how I have lots of years left of hearing it, but that means I'm doing a good job of being a mom and eventually Lexus will realize that too. I dont know how my mom knew what to say to make me feel better but as soon as we hung up I felt better. I went back to Lexus and we sat down and started working together on her homework and it clicked. She was understanding it and all of a sudden life was good again. I was the "cool smart" mom who knew what I was talking about and she was going to ace this history test.

Apparently not only did I get my emotional bipolarness from my mom, so did Lexus. Because in 10 minutes she went from screaming at me that she hated me and I'm the worst mom ever, to "thanks mom, you're the best." And at that moment, I snapped a picture because who knows what tomorrow will bring, and if I'm going to be the worst mom ever, I want to have this reminder that soon enough, I'll be the coolest, best mom again.

As moms we are all doing our best. There's no manual or handbook on how to raise your kids and how to get thru each and every situation you are put in. Hell, some situations I feel like I barely make it thru. I'd rather whine and throw a fit and scream like Lexus did. Keep smiling moms. And don't be too hard on yourselves. We are all doing the best we can. (and that's when I ended the night with a glass of wine and prayed I could make it another day in this crazy parenting world.)

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

SO WHAT! Wednesday

I'm linking up with Shannon over at Life After I "Dew". Join us?

This week I'm saying SO WHAT if...

  • I haven't begun Christmas shopping, planning or even made a Christmas list for my kids. There's still another holiday in between now and then and I think my focus should be on stuffing my face and spending time with family before stressing over what to buy and how I'm going to be able to afford it. 
  • I am however excited for Christmas movies and decorating and baking and getting matching pajamas for the girls AND I to wear while doing these things. 
  • We didn't take family pictures this year. It didn't work out. I keep thinking I'll run the kids outside and snap a couple but it hasn't happened. You win some, you lose some. 
  • I still have yet to unpack boxes and clean the basement since we moved into our house... In August. 
  • I am looking at new camera lenses even though Christmas is coming up and I don't have the extra $400 laying around.
  • I am writing my SO WHAT! Wednesday post while at work, clocked in.
  • I can't make life decisions on what I want to go back to school for or where I want to live, or even where I see myself in 6 months. Eventually it will just come to me right?
  • I am counting down the days/hours/minutes till the next episode of SOA. I am obsessed. And honestly, I can't believe I'm saying this, but I am totally Team Gemma! 
  • The girls and I are leaving town and going to my parents for the weekend to be lazy. Because it never happens when we are at home- there's too much to do! 
  • I took down all my Halloween decorations outside but still have them all up inside? I haven't thrown away the pumpkins outside on my porch, which may or may not be decomposing. 
  • I bought the new Eminem CD and continue to unleash my inner 15 year old white rapper self. (PS the album is AMAZING, old school Eminem is back and you should all go buy it!) 
What are you saying SO WHAT! to this week? 

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

SO WHAT! Wednesday

Today I'm linking up with 1 of my favorite bloggers! Shannon at Life After I "Dew"

This week I'm saying SO WHAT if....

  • We moved back into our house 3 months ago and I just now got all the clothes in the closets hung up and things put back in order. 
  • I failed to take any Halloween pictures of the girls with my camera. All my pictures were taken on my iphone. 
  • I sent my kids to bed at 7:30pm on Sunday. Well played, daylight savings time, well played. 
  • I've eaten McDonald's for breakfast the past 3 mornings. Large Dr Pepper's help me get thru the day.
  • I ordered a new pair of boots even thought they aren't really needed and Christmas is coming up quickly.
  • My coffee has more sugar & white chocolate mocha coffee creamer in it then coffee.
  • I'm dreading the holidays. Too many places to go and people to see in such a short amount of time.
  • I've been additively watching Breaking Bad on Netflix and yet it seems like its taking FOREVER to get thru all the seasons. Plus my anxiety levels are WAY too high when watching. 
  • I hate hump day because I know Facebook & Twitter will be bombarded with camel pictures. It was funny the first couple times people, move on now!

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

November- A Time to Be Thankful

I have a new found need to start blogging again. Delete the old blog, start over. Its like a fresh sheet of paper- clean, ready to be written on. Ready for me to pour my heart and soul into, ready to help me heal. 

November begins with seeing all the people who complain the other 11 months on Facebook & Twitter, only to post a reason every day why they are so grateful and thankful for things in their life. Hell, maybe I'm one of those people. Bitchy, resentful, hateful and whiny all 11 months but will still try to make an effort to see the good every day for 30 days. Because its a start. And I have so much to be grateful for.

Being a mom was never in my "future life plans." I never saw myself having kids. Hell, I couldn't take care of myself most the time. And then it happened, and I could never repay God for trusting these two beauties in my care and never show enough gratitude to these two little mini mes for saving me. For making life worth living, for making everything so much brighter and clearer and happier. For making life not about me, but them. I have never loved anyone as much as I love these 2 human beings. Even on their worst crabbiest days, full of attitude and pushing every one of my buttons, they make me smile. They make me laugh and they make my heart so full of happiness. For them I will always be thankful. 

So I'll keep on loving my life with my 2 little princesses. Because life is worth loving with them in it. 

Monday, September 23, 2013

To my daughters,

I feel like my life is taking a turn. I’m heading down a road I’ve never been on before. Nothing is familiar. The signs don’t make sense. Do I get off the road or keep going? Do I go alone or take others with me? Who do I trust for the journey? I have to remove myself from those whose lives affected by my decisions. Those I love… as well as those I hate. It’s getting more and more difficult to be who I want to be. When my decisions are the ones a mother has to make. By the time you’re old enough to make sense of this life you’ll know everything about me, the things I’m proud of, the things I regret and then you’ll be faced with your own decisions. As much as I want to help you, tell you what to do, those choices will be yours alone. The only advice I can give you,  is to examine who you are as women. Figure out what’s important to you, know yourselves, know what’s in your heart, don’t be swayed by fear or the opinions of others. Find your own truth. It will lead you to the things you love.

I love you to the moon & back.


Thursday, September 12, 2013

In the Bathroom

We never want to leave our safe haven. The small twelve by eight bathroom has grimy walls and soap scum in the bathtub. Eight people crowd around what now has become their only support. The only thing in their life that makes their problems disappear, and will take them to that non existent place only they can reach. An old homeless man sits in the bathtub, covered in dirt, with gang green on his arm and a band tightly cutting off the circulation, and a needle poised. The only female sits upon the residued sink with a glass mirror and a fifty dollar bill held to her nose. Her eighty nine pound body is so brittle and dark circles swallow her eyes. She's soiled and she's filthy. She's wrenched with grief. Anguish is apparent. How did I let it come to this? I feel so worthless, lost and alone. Yet I still remain in my private abyss, no family, no real friends, and no place to call home except my bathroom. Paraphernalia gets passed around this bathroom in back of the double wide trailer. Paranoid of what lurks outside our sanctuary, we're constantly peering from behind the blinds praying those we fear the most are nowhere near. A strong aroma of gaunge fills the room, leaving a thick cloud to singe everyone's lungs. Binging for days leaves us to believe we really are crazy; too many breathing the air, talking at the same time, and entering their madness into everyone else's brains. Using even more drugs is the only thing that can ensure sanity. Cocaine, Heroine, Morphine; the pain is excruciating yet amazing pleasurable of several minor attractions. We junkies live our life in a hell, we always want to escape. Paranoia takes over and blood shot eyes look to the floor, ashamed. Ashamed of what we have done and what we continue to do. Pale faces cast in blacks of white, unfolding. And their eyes circled in dark black...Looks like licorice. Feelings of being on top of the world when really our world doesn't even exist. Drunk on depression. Drink until you leave, drunk until your sorrows gone. Decisions. The IT builds. Ravenous hunger. Drink it up, swallow it down. Soul how you hurt, poor soul how you hurt. The infatuation drives us slowly away from reality. Addiction leads to a dead end yet we can not turn around. Collection of pain, drugs to the addict is a bitter addiction. You sour the life with narcotics brand on you. Ruin existence so you may breathe in false serenity. Trapped in this life bleeding steadily, stained, bruised and broken, my tears still pour heavily. My craving is strong. I'm growing tired and weak, ignoring the truth. I can't see it. This life I live, am I sane or insane? The darkness gets darker and the fight gets harder. My eyes are sown shut, my wounds deeply cut. Laugh.. as it overcomes you into a lifeless slumber. Sometimes it is only the deepest darkness that you realize there really is light. "Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life. What am I going to do with it?"

I wrote this poem when I was in treatment in Sheridan, Wyoming. I was so alone and felt like nothing was going to help me rid this addiction and use of 6 years. Drug addiction took over my entire life. Being a person that is addicted to drugs, I lost respect for myself and from the ones that I loved. All I was looking forward to was my next high and at the time it didn't matter what I had to do to get the money up to get it. I'm addicted to crack cocaine and it has taken over my entire life. I traded my life for a high. I lost my family, my friends, my education and more more than that, my self respect. I stole from people, i got abusive: verbally, physically and emotionally. There were times I literally counted out pennies to get that drug. The insanity of smoking crack cocaine and doing nothing else but smoking crack cocaine every awake moment of every day is maddening. The relentless desire to smoke crack cocaine at any and all expense no matter what, no matter where, no matter who, now matter how, no matter why, no matter when, was a horrible passion. It is through the passion to smoke crack cocaine that the power of crack cocaine transforms into an evil internal weapon to destroy your life and others. Crack cocaine can only be the devils candy. Nothing else ever made sense or worked to stop my passion to smoke crack cocaine. For me, that is what it is, the devils candy. It is just as it was and will always be just as it is. It will break your mothers heart, sell your daughter and steal from your brother.
The older I get, the more I realize that age doesn't bring wisdom. It only brings weary. I'm not any smarter than I was 10 years ago. I've just grown too tired to juggle the lies and hide the fears. Self-awareness doesn't reveal my indiscretions; exhaustion does. 


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